SPOILER ALERT

The night is dark and full of terrors. Astonishingly saggy terrors.

That’s the lesson from Castle Black this week, where Jon Snow is still gone, Ser Alliser Thorne is still a dick and Melisandre’s boobs are still frequently and unnecessarily on display. Read on for our recap of episode one.

CASTLE BLACK

Season six starts right where season five ended, amid the tattered remains of all your hopes and dreams. Ser Davos spots Jon’s extremely dead body in the bloodstained snow and takes him inside, with help from a few bros of the Night’s Watch.

“Guys are you sure he doesn’t just have a fever?”

“Guys are you sure he doesn’t just have a fever?”Source:Supplied

Melisandre joins them. She looks confused and troubled, as though she’s forgotten something important, like where she left her keys, or where she left those instructions for the spell that revives fallen chosen ones.

“I saw him in the flames, fighting at Winterfell,” she says. Cool story lady, just magic him back to life already.

Over in the mess hall, Ser Alliser is trying to conduct a respectful, understated memorial service for Jon. He opens up about his true feelings towards the boy (“I had no love for him, that was no secret”) and praises Jon’s visionary leadership (“Jon Snow was going to destroy the Night’s Watch”). It’s tear-jerking stuff.

Still, you’re left with the impression that Davos and his pals aren’t exactly safe, so they send someone off to fetch help — from the wildlings. That’ll go down well.

“Gotta retrace my steps. Then I’ll find those instructions. Should only take three or four episodes.”

“Gotta retrace my steps. Then I’ll find those instructions. Should only take three or four episodes.”Source:Supplied

For once, Davos is also placing his faith in Melisandre’s powers, but for once, her own faith is waning. Alone in her room, she falls back on an old habit — exposing her boobs. That’s always helped in the past, right?

It turns out she’s revealing even more than usual. As she unclasps her (apparently magical) necklace, an illusion disappears, and we finally see the real, old, frail Melisandre.

If only Stannis could see her now. He’d realise he fell for the ultimate booby trap.

He sure can pick ‘em.

He sure can pick ‘em.Source:Supplied

MEEREEN

People who stroll innocently through the streets of Meereen are frequently stabbed to death these days. Apparently no one mentioned that to Varys and Tyrion, who have descended from the safety of their pyramid unarmed to take in the sights.

Actually, that’s a lie. They’re not entirely unarmed. Both men still have one weapon: wicked banter.

Varys:“I used to steal from people like you when I was a boy.”

Tyrion:“Good thing you’re not a boy anymore. Because you have no cock.”

Ba dum tish. Of course, the joke seems less funny when they realise someone has just destroyed Daenerys’s entire fleet of ships. Guess she’ll have to fly to Westeros now.

“Here’s one cent. Congratulations, your troubles are over!”

“Here’s one cent. Congratulations, your troubles are over!”Source:Foxtel

Meanwhile, Jorah and Daario are bonding over the most important thing they have in common: their lust for Daenerys, a woman many, many years younger than them.

Jorah openly admits to his frustration at being stuck in the friend zone, and I guess you have to feel for him. We’ve all been there, after all. On the other hand, he’s become angstier than the girl in Twilight.

“She will always be the Khaleesi of my heart.”

“She will always be the Khaleesi of my heart.”Source:Supplied

Daenerys herself is experiencing some deja vu — once again, she’s been presented to a Dothraki Khal, and once again the Khal is pretty keen to rape her. Pretty keen. I mean, seeing women naked is one of his “five best things in life”. Mounting wild stallions is higher on his list, so read into that what you will.

Daenerys pulls the same trick she used in Astapor, listening patiently for a while before finally revealing she can speak her captors’ language. When the Khal learns she’s Drogo’s widow, he mercifully decides not to rape her — there are plenty of stallions in the Dothraki Sea, after all.

However, she will need to spend the rest of her life stuck in a Dothraki temple with the rest of the mourning widows. Oh well. Her dream of taking the Iron Throne was nice while it lasted.

“What do you mean my beard looks like a Christmas ornament?”

“What do you mean my beard looks like a Christmas ornament?”Source:Supplied

DORNE

Everyone with a penis dies.

“Maybe now all the fans will stop rolling their eyes at us.”

“Maybe now all the fans will stop rolling their eyes at us.”Source:Supplied

KING’S LANDING

Jaime’s triumphant return from Dorne is somewhat soured by his failure to stop his only daughter from being murdered.

“She was good. From her first breath she was so sweet. I don’t know where she came from. She was nothing like me. No meanness, no jealously, just good. I thought if I could make something so good, so pure, maybe I’m not a monster,” Cersei says. She doesn’t seem to realise that the easiest way to stop feeling like a monster is to stop acting like a monster.

Cersei reckons every ill that’s befallen her is fate’s fault and there’s nothing she could have done to stop it. Jaime’s response is: “F*** everything.” As always, his grand plan is rather short on details.

“Sure, we lost another kid. But we can always make another one.”

“Sure, we lost another kid. But we can always make another one.”Source:Supplied

BRAAVOS

Arya, who’s still blind, is sitting on a Braavosi street pretending to be a beggar (as you do) when the weird blonde girl swings by and beats her up for no apparent reason. Then the girl struts off, saying simply: “See you tomorrow.”

It’s classic bully behaviour. Except this girl isn’t some two-bit bully after Arya’s lunch money; she’s a psycho serial killer who collects the faces of her victims and stores them in her basement. Stick her with the pointy end, Arya.

The batter appears to be bunting.

The batter appears to be bunting.Source:AP

WINTERFELL

Having inexplicably survived their leap from Winterfell’s ramparts — no, a pile of snow doesn’t explain it, this isn’t freaking Assassin’s Creed — Theon and Sansa are now on the run from Ramsay’s hounds. Sadly, they're not very fast, and get caught almost immediately.

At the last moment, however, Brienne and Podrick come to their rescue. Pod is even somewhat competent at sword fighting now, though I can’t help but feel he’d be better at handling a spear.

Brienne offers to join Sansa again, and this time, the last remaining Stark who isn’t blind, crippled or seemingly forgotten forever (sorry Rickon) makes a smart decision.

“Don’t let go, Jack. Don’t let go.”

“Don’t let go, Jack. Don’t let go.”Source:Supplied

 
 
 
 

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